Brianna posted this beautiful entry on July 7th in Nic’s Caring Bridge Journal, and I wanted to share it with the entire family. I was always amazed by the strength & courage that shown through Brianna’s posts in the Caring Bridge Journal. They dealt with cancer, always with a sense of optimism & hope, but never losing the awareness of the severity of the struggle with this devastating disease. I know the Sotelos will be okay, after what this family has been through, they can handle anything life has to throw at them, but they have had their share of hardship, let’s hope it’s all good things from here on out. Especially with Nic’s spirit there to guide them & watch over them.
It has been 1 week and 2 days since I lost my Superman. I can’t believe it has already been a week, but at the same time, it feels like an eternity. I’m still waiting for Nic to get home from the hospital, or come out of the bathroom. I don’t think it’s completely hit me yet, and I’m scared. I know he was sick for so long, but I truly believed he would pull through and be stable for a long long time. That is the kind of fighter he was.
Last Wednesday, we went to U of M to meet with the surgeon. The hospital was having technical difficulties, and we ended up waiting for hours to see the Doctor. Nic was not feeling good, and we were both fed up. It was sunny and 80 degrees that day. As we waited, we talked about how we were tired of wasting beautiful days sitting in a hospital. We knew our days together were starting to be numbered, and this is not how we wanted to be spending our time anymore. I told him that if he didn’t want to come to these appointments anymore, that we didn’t have to. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to keep fighting just because I wanted him to. He told me he didn’t want to give up on me or the boys and would do whatever it took to get better for us. The Doctor finally came in, and we learned of the 4th tumor.
It was a long drive home full of tears, and frustration. Nic held my hand, and told me that everything would be okay. We didn’t have our kids that night so we got to spend some quality time together. I am so grateful for that night. We talked about lots of things we were always afraid to mention. I told him my fears, and he shared his. I am happy we had that time.
The next morning was a “normal” day in the Sotelo household. I went to work, and Nic’s mom was “on duty”. I came home that afternoon, and everyone was doing just fine. Kaden was a little shaken about Nic’s new tumor, but Nic assured him he would be fine. He told him that no matter what happened, he would always be there for him, and love him. Nic told Kaden that even when he was no longer physically here, that he will always be with him no matter what.
Kaden wanted to do something special for us that night. He made us dinner.(kraft mac and cheese) It was cute because as he was cooking, he said, “Wow mommy, now I know what you go through everyday. This is really hard!” He continued with, “Since I am making dinner, you can do the dishes. I am not touching the dishes!” Nic, being the gentleman that he is, did the dishes for me:) We all goofed around a little more, and then I went upstairs to read. As I’m walking upstairs, Nic tells me how much he loves me, and that he always will, and to never forget that. I tell him the same back, and go upstairs. A little while later, my mom arrives and I hear her and Nic chatting downstairs. The boys have been playing Xbox. Nic tells everyone that he is really tired, and would like to take a nap. My mom and I visit for a bit, and Kaden comes running upstairs. “Mommy, Daddy is sleeping, but making a really weird face. I keep poking at him, but I can’t wake him up.” No more than 10 minutes have past since he laid down. I assured kaden that daddy always looks a little silly when he’s sleeping, and I went downstairs to check on him. The minute I saw him, I knew something wasn’t right. I couldn’t wake him up. He wasn’t breathing. Our neighbor did CPR until the paramedics arrived. They worked on him as long as they could, but I already knew. My love, my best friend was gone.
I do find comfort in the fact that Nic did it on his own terms. Nic did not lose any fight to Cancer. He won. I truly believe in my heart that Nic’s body just couldn’t take it anymore. It was like Nic got permission from us that it was okay to let go. I know what Cancer does at the end, and I’m so thankful that Nic did not have to go through that. His body just simply had enough, and he laid down, and went to sleep. He was all tucked in with his blanket and pillow. We even heard him snore a few minutes before. God, thank you for answering one of my prayers. I am so thankful we were all together and at home. I wish I hadn’t gone upstairs to read, but like my mom told me, he probably wouldn’t have let go until we gave him his space.
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The service was beautiful. Absolutely amazing. I can’t help but feel comfort in all who came to pay their respects to our family. The guestbook ran out of pages. We filled up 3 rooms, and the funeral home had run out of chairs. There were people standing all around, and even in the hallway. The luncheon had a head count of 175 people. I think Nic would have approved:) I cannot thank you enough for all of the love, support and prayers.
When I walked into the viewing room for the 1st time, I was so scared. Then I saw Nic, and I couldn’t help but smile. He looked so peaceful, and healthy, like the old Nic. I know that sounds strange, but he did. No more water weight, no more Cancer. He even had a tiny little Nic smirk going on. I knew he was okay. It doesn’t take the pain away, thats for sure, but knowing that he was no longer in pain helped a little.
I never knew a pain so bad existed. I miss him with everything I have. As much as I knew this day was coming, I never thought it would actually come. Did I do enough? Did I say everything I needed to say? I know I shouldn’t do all of that, but I can’t help but wonder. Why did I have to go upstairs to read my book?
I don’t feel like I’m getting it together for my boys.I just feel like a lost soul. It’s always been Nic and Bri. I miss my better half. I miss his smile, and his red pop mustache. I miss his hugs, and kisses. Just the feeling he gave me being home. Feeling safe. I keep replaying that line from the movie, Hope Floats. “C’mon, get out there. get the stink off ya.” I just can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t think I can do this. Can I do this? Will I be able to do this?
My worst fear is that people will forget. I hope you learned something from my Superman. What it means to be strong. Not to take a single day for granted. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Fight for what you believe in, what you love. Life is too short, so remember to say I love you. Squeeze your hubbys and wives extra hard tonight. I wish I had mine here to hug and squeeze.
Thank you Nic for the butterfly kisses. Please keep letting me know that you are okay. I cannot wait for the day I can see you again. I love you to the moon and back. xoxo